Well, my "weekly" blog is almost turning into an "every other weekly" blog but I'm doing my best. I'm busy! I have lots to do...like maintain multiple MySpace pages and teach my new kitten Spanish. He's really coming along.
"Hola. I'm Pete Dubie-Smith."
Things have in been busy because last Friday little sissie done went and married her Aryan hunk Matt. Lots happened. The wedding weekend was crazy and fun and nobody jumped off a balcony and died or anything. I'm calling it a success!
Weddings...a chance for your entire family to touch your hair for hours on end.
As the maid of honor (or head beyotch in charge of ladies wearing maroon dresses) I got to give a speech. It was nice and easy and I got lots of compliments which is exactly how I wish everything went. As with every thought that passes through my brain, I ran my preliminary speech bullet points by Marin. About 90% of my ideas were gloriously shot down. I believe the words Marin used were..."There will be about 3 people who think that is funny but everyone else will instantly hate you, namely your family members you're making reference to. Do not do this."
You embarrass me and I'll cut you.
I did however get a chance to perform the unedited version of my speech for the nail ladies and my sister on the day before the wedding. The nail bitches were mildly amused. (Reference point - in New Hampshire nail ladies are white high school drop outs who speak English and understand everything you say provided you don't use too many big words. Contrary to NYC where people who work on nails are largely of Asian decent and make fun of you in both broken English and full blown Cantonese by telling you your sister is better looking than you.) But back to the speech that died on the cutting room floor. Allison found it a hilarious blend of truth, irony and well placed prat falls. But in a ....the day before the wedding in a nail salon it's funny. You pull that shit tomorrow and I'm going to reassign your maid of honor duties to the wedding coordinator...kind of way.
Mr. Allison Dubie
The wedding reception kicked off with a "surprise" (I say surprise because I am a VIP and knew about the dance but the rest of the schmoes at the wedding did not) choreographed dance performed by the new bride and groom. One thing I was left in the dark about was whether or not there was a lift involved...and it's not like I didn't ask over and over again "Is there a lift? Oh just tell me! There's no lift...wait there IS a lift isn't there?" It was a mystery up until Allison took flight. I gave it a 10. And I have lots of experience with lifts.
Lift #1
Lift #2
I realize that I'm doing a lift with the same person in both pictures but I find it's best to choose a partner and just stick with them. Take note that lift #1 was done on HER wedding day. What can I say, Sarah Benoit is a risk taker. I mean...I gave a speech at her wedding too. Clearly she and my sister are living on the edge.
Here is a picture display of the massive Ho-down that followed...
My mom and one of the hired dancers
This dance move pose seems to be captured at all weddings I attend
Attractive young people
In other big news...80s rap pioneers Salt -n- Pepa came out with a new reality show called...are you ready? The Salt -n- Pepa Show. I would have called it "Coping with one particularly frustrating condiment who also causes high blood pressure but I'm not naming names...Cheryl."
If you know me at all then you know that I love Salt -n- Pepa. I loved them back then (at the time of the above photograph) and I'm trying to love them now....but it's been difficult. At least through episode 1 it's been difficult. In the years that have passed since S-n-P's glory days many things have happened. We graduated from junior high school, got our periods, went to college, got married, wrote jokes about getting kicked off a school bus in 5th grade for singing "Push It" etc etc. Life was lived. Well for S-n-P, life since their rap relationship hit the skidz has been lived quite differently. Many things have changed but luckily some things have stayed exactly the same. Thank god for small favors. Pepa remains the same terrific whore we knew and loved but for Salt it's a completely different story.
Sexy-rap's Antichrist
Salt went and found Jesus. She had her reasons why but they're too boring to get in to right now. That's why in the past 10 years, an E True Hollywood Story - Salt was never made. That's usually a good barometer of what is mildly interesting. Producers at "E" didn't think her story was as captivating as the E True Hollywood Story - Lindsay Lohan's Dad.
Being influenced by the lord has NEVER made a singer better. EVER. Seriously, find one. I dare you. At the furthest end of this nonsense is Christian rock. YUCK. I believe in God and one thing that I believe with my whole soul is that Jesus Christ does not want you to make shitty music on his behalf. That's not why he was stapled to the cross. This I know. Thanks be to God, Lord Jesus Christ. (CCD Shout out)
So...because of her born again beliefs...Salt refuses to sing PUSH IT. The best rap song in existence. (In additon to a number of other hits. It seems the only one safe is "Whadda Man" and I think she's changed the words so that the "man" is Jesus. Awesome. I love doing hip hop dances with Christ overtones)
The best moment of episode 1 was the conversation the ladies had about why Salt would no longer be performing PUSH IT. It mirrored a conversation I had with my dad some 20 years ago after I got kicked off the school bus for singing PUSH IT myself. It was pretty incredible. This is how it went down:
SALT - "You know I can't sing PUSH IT now."
PEPA - "Why?"
SALT - "Because of what it's about."
PEPA - "It's about dancing"
SALT - "No, it's about sex, stupid."
PEPA - "People only thought it was about sex because they thought we were saying Pussy."
If the woman who wrote PUSH IT thought it was about dancing then there's no way I should have had to walk to school for a week.
But PEPA god bless her...she thought there were actually people singing along - "I want you to Pussy it. Pussy it good. Pussy it REAL good!!" That's ridiculous. I'm concerned for her in the world. Someone might need to come take Pepa's kids from her. Don't worry Pepa, getting your kids taken away is the latest Hollywood accessory. It's the new small dog you carry in a designer purse. It's the new uggs snow boot. You'll totally make it onto Entertainment Tonight now.
Well it's been quite a week. A lot of memories. A lot to be thankful for. I'm thankful that I didn't get my shoes stuck in the mud while walking down the isle at the wedding (wait, scratch that), thankful my speech went over big and that Allison and Matt wanted to include me in their special day, thankful that since it will never be "sung" again...that PUSH IT lives on in my memories, and my workout mix. Yes, thank you Jesus. Thank you. Whadda Man!
The man who didn't believe I was singing a song about dancing...and the lovely bride
This coming Tuesday (October 23rd) I'll be performing on The Kevin Murphy Show
8:00 PM @Rififi (332 E. 11th St. and 1st Ave.) $5
